


The Decree

by flailinginlove



Category: Naruto
Genre: Cockblocker in Chief Naruto, M/M, attempted Iruka/Other Male Characters, cockblocking Iruka is an S-rank mission, misuse of ANBU
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-04
Updated: 2019-05-04
Packaged: 2020-02-10 06:30:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,202
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18654847
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/flailinginlove/pseuds/flailinginlove
Summary: Hokage Decree #001: Iruka is legally not allowed to fuck.





	The Decree

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by [this tumblr post](http://trans-kxkashi.tumblr.com/post/178363894301/who-do-u-ship-iruka-with). 
> 
> I originally tried to write something birthday related, but both ideas I had turned moodier than I wanted to write for this celebration. So instead, you get people making Iruka's life hard OUT OF LOVE. I've written Iruka making life difficult for ANBU, but this time I get to do the other way around. XD
> 
> Thank you to yokoranger for beta reading! ♥
> 
> Also, this is the first fic to be revealed for Iruka's Birthday Celebration 2019. We will be revealing one fic or fanart a day until his birthday. We are doing the non-birthday stuff first, then moving to the birthday stuff. So look forward to the rest! Follow the Fest on [tumblr](https://kakairu-fest.tumblr.com/) or [twitter](https://twitter.com/KI_ficfest) for the latest updates. And if you didn't get a chance to finish something in time for the Celebration's deadline, please consider finishing and posting on the 26th so there can be lots of fic and fanart on Iruka's birthday! \\(^o^)/

Iruka stared at the ninja standing in front of him, the one he was supposed to have a date with later that evening. The heavily ladened field pack on Netoma's back indicated otherwise.

"I need to take a rain check," he said.

"Let me guess. Last minute mission?" Iruka asked, but he already knew the answer.

"Yeah. Urgent mission to Lightning Country. I'll be gone for about three weeks. But I really do want to get that drink with you. When I get back?"

"Sure," Iruka said, fake smile plastered on his face. "When you're back."

Netoma gave him a promising grin with just the right amount of flirtation, readjusted his pack, then headed out.

Iruka scrubbed his hands over his face, resisting the urge to groan. Or scream. 

They'd never get that drink. Every time they'd try, there would be another sudden mission. Something that would pop up abruptly, that only Netoma could do. Something the Hokage urgently needed done. It would happen over and over again, until even the slowest of shinobi could connect the dots. It'd reached the point where Iruka was just surprised the entire village didn't know already.

Because the truth was, trying to date Iruka meant becoming the Hokage's errand boy. It meant getting the lengthiest, crappiest missions to the farthest flung countries for exactly as long as it took them to give up any designs they had on Iruka's honor.

Most didn't last long. Iruka couldn't even blame them. Who'd want to put up with a five week long mission to Snow Country just for a chance they might get to warm up with him when they finally got home? That was provided they didn't get sent to the smallest, hardest to access island in Water Country the moment they started towards Iruka's apartment with even a hint of an impure thought in their mind.

Iruka was pretty sure ANBU weren't meant to be used to spy on a former teacher's love life. But they answered directly to the hokage, and if he asked them to cockblock Iruka, they did it with the highest level of skill and precision possible.

The dedication they showed to their duty would have been impressive, if only Iruka didn't need to get laid, and get laid _now_. Had he realized Naruto's term in office was going to be like this, he would have had a few wild nights during Kakashi's. 

Then again, most of his nights during Kakashi's tenure had been spent in a near endless series of meetings. He hadn't realized exactly how many one-on-one meetings the Academy vice principal needed to have with the hokage until he'd gotten the job. Not that he'd minded. Meetings with Kakashi had been rather pleasant. A few times, Iruka had even thought they might end up producing something more than an overly detailed, multi-year curriculum, but that had never panned out. 

And as it stood, Iruka was pretty sure he was going to die an old man who hadn't gotten any since Tsunade's reign. Maybe he should just hold a candlelight vigil for his sex life and move on, embracing his newfound celibacy. 

Iruka kept trying to tell himself that Naruto meant well, but hadn't managed to convince himself of it just yet. He had no idea what Naruto was thinking, and he had no intention of finding out. Because as much as he wanted to get laid again, he didn't want to discuss that desire with his former student roughly 1,000 times more.

And so he was back to the candlelight vigil for his enjoyment of any cock but his own. It'd be a nice ceremony, he'd say some words, remember sex fondly, and then get on with not getting it on.

There were much worse things in life than having a bunch of elite killers ruthlessly cockblocking him, he was just going to have to figure out a way to explain that to his dick.

~*~*~

"What about civilians?" Izumo asked over consolatory drinks later that night.

"What about them?" Iruka asked in reply.

"To. You know." He waggled an eyebrow in the most ridiculous way just in case Iruka didn't get the hint.

"Oh," Iruka said. "Well, I guess Naruto couldn't send _them_ on missions. Though he might try."

"But, _civilians_ ," Kotetsu put in.

"Yeah," Iruka agreed. " _Civilians_."

"Fair point," Izumo conceded.

It wasn't that Iruka disliked civilians, it was just that most of the sane ones tended to have no ninja policies. It took a certain type of civilian to want to date shinobi and they always had _expectations_. Sex on ceilings, threesomes with clones, general misuse of ninjutsu and gear. Not that Iruka was against any of that, but even ninjas wanted a good slow bone from time to time.

Iruka had dated exactly two civilians when he was much younger and more foolish. One had always wanted him to wear his vest, even when he had nothing else on. The first time, it had felt a little kinky, but the novelty had worn off quickly. For Iruka at least. And the other, well, he'd had some ideas involving kunai that had made Iruka back away very slowly. Trying a third hadn't seemed worth it.

"Still," Izumo said, "If any ninja is going to have a chance with a _normal_ civilian, surely a school principal in his late 30s who no longer runs field missions has the best odds."

Iruka shook his head and sighed. "It probably says something that I'm even willing to consider it."

"I still say you can just join-" Kotetsu started, only to be interrupted by both Iruka and Izumo's hands rushing to cover his mouth.

" _Don't. Say. It_ ," Iruka hissed. " _You remember what happened last time, don't you?_ "

Kotetsu paled and Iruka and Izumo dropped their hands. 

Iruka loved his friends and he did appreciate the offer, but the last time they'd tried to _help him out_ , they'd spent two months "guarding" a house cat in a small, ice-covered village. And that had just been the start of it.

"Of course that was just a joke," Kotetsu said, laughing nervously.

"Right, haha." Iruka said. "Such a funny joke. So ridiculously hysterical to try to think of my closest, most platonic friends in that way. Hahaha." Except those times when they'd been in their early twenties, but Naruto didn't need to know about those.

They looked around the bar wildly, like they expected ANBU to pop out of nowhere with mission scrolls in hand. When none were forthcoming, they sagged with relief.

Izumo kicked Kotetsu under the table. Iruka just shook his head again. 

He slumped back into his chair and considered things. Maybe civilians wouldn't be such a bad idea after all.

~*~*~

Half a dozen attempted dates later, Iruka was willing to concede he had underestimated both Naruto's dedication to destroying his love life and his resourcefulness in doing so.

The first failed date had ended roughly ten minutes after they'd sat down and were still in the midst of awkward small talk as they waited for their appetizers. An ANBU had appeared suddenly beside their table.

"You're needed at the Academy," the ANBU said. 

Iruka's date stared. _All_ the patrons in the restaurant were staring. They'd picked a place frequented more by civilians than ninjas, and Iruka would bet money that this was the first time a masked ANBU had openly appeared inside the establishment.

"Can't it wait until tomorrow?" Iruka asked, fully aware of what was happening.

"It's a matter of utmost urgency," the ANBU said.

Iruka's date's eyes darted back and forth between the ANBU and Iruka, mind no doubt spinning a list of reasons why someone claiming to be a school principal would need to be summoned urgently by ANBU in the late evening. None of those reasons would be even a fraction as mundane as the truth would likely turn out to be and they'd never come close to the reality of the Great Cockblocking.

Iruka wasn't even surprised to find that the _urgent matter_ was nothing more than disordered paperwork. If Naruto couldn't send Iruka's date on a mission, then he could make sure Iruka was too busy to date. Iruka sighed and settled in to the paperwork. He'd meant to do it later in the week, but now was as good a time as any.

And thus a new pattern had begun. Iruka got a date, that date was ruined by disorganized paperwork or forms that needed to be signed or a missing scroll that had been turned in back when Iruka had worked the mission desk and only he would be able to find it or something else as equally as pointless but absolutely imperative that it be done immediately.

One night, on his way home after yet another urgent paperwork crisis, Iruka stopped by a gay bar out spite. It was notorious for easy sex in the backrooms. Not his scene, but there was a saying about beggars and choosers that seemed to fit his life recently.

The pounding beat resonated in Iruka's chest as he stepped inside. Most these kids were half his age and he didn't even want to think about how many were former students, but he looked around like he was interested anyway. Across the club, a man in his mid-30s was watching Iruka closely. Iruka smiled, that was more like it.

A high pitched shriek cut through the bass and it took Iruka a few seconds to register it wasn't part of the music.

The blaring fire alarm drowned Iruka's groan. He let the flow of people carry him outside. A full building evacuation was a new one. Unsubtle, but highly effective, Iruka had to admit.

He turned towards home. 

At least the ANBU hadn't decided to keep him from masturbating just yet.

~*~*~

The final straw came unexpectedly. Or, more accurately, it didn't come.

Iruka sat by himself at a table for two, waiting for his date. This was the third time they'd attempted dinner. Itsuki was in his early 40s, owned a small stationery shop, and seemed like a genuinely nice guy. He'd been understanding enough about paperwork related emergencies, saying he wasn't a ninja, but surely even their paperwork had to deal with matters of life and death fairly often. Iruka didn't bother telling him it was frequently about keeping the Academy's janitor's closet fully stocked. 

He'd seemed willing to reschedule, but it was 30 minutes after the time they'd planned to meet, and he still hadn't shown up or called to let Iruka know he'd be late.

To top it off, no ANBU had appeared to tell Iruka he was needed elsewhere yet, and they usually arrived within the first half hour.

A sinking feeling settled into Iruka's gut. Making his apologies to the waitress for wasting her time, he headed out. 

It didn't take him long to find his date. Itsuki was wandering the streets, looking around him with wild eyes.

"Are you okay?" Iruka asked as he walked up to the man.

Itsuki jumped, recognized Iruka, then grabbed tight to his arm.

" _The streets_ ," he hissed. " _They're moving_."

"They're moving?" 

"Every time I try to head towards the restaurant, I'm no longer going in the right direction. The buildings are all wrong, the road goes in the opposite direction."

Iruka let out a string of curses that made his date's eyes widen further.

 _Genjutsu_. The ANBU had put his date under _fucking genjutsu_.

"GET DOWN HERE," Iruka yelled into the quiet evening street.

Crickets chirped.

"IF YOU DON'T GET YOUR ASSES DOWN HERE IMMEDIATELY, NO AMOUNT OF _PAPERWORK_ IS GOING TO KEEP ME FROM TAKING THIS MAN BACK TO MY PLACE RIGHT NOW."

Iruka's date blushed. He hadn't seemed the type to have sex on the first date, and they hadn't even technically had a first date yet, though not for lack of trying. The ANBU didn't need to know that. It also seemed increasingly likely that they'd _never_ have that first date now, with or without further administrative interference. 

"OR THAT ALLEY OVER THERE LOOKS PROMISING. HOW WOULD YOU LIKE TO REPORT _THAT_ BACK TO NARUTO?"

Two ANBU appeared before him. "Are you talking to us?" one asked.

"AM I TALKING TO YOU?" 

Both ANBU twitched. The movement was almost imperceptible, but it was the rough equivalent of anyone else running for cover.

Iruka took a deep, calming breath. It didn't work. He took another. There was a mild improvement. 

Through gritted teeth, he said, "Now, you are going to see this man home. You are going to make sure he gets there quickly and safely. And that no more streets move. Have I made myself clear?"

"Yes, sir," they answered in unison. 

" _Good_. Now _go_."

They went, taking Iruka's confused date with them.

Iruka knew he should have seen him home, but he had other, more important things to do. And for once it didn't involve paperwork.

~*~*~

Storming into the Hokage Tower to yell about his sex life was probably the last thing Iruka wanted to do with his evening, but the time had come.

Iruka threw open the door to Naruto's office with only the barest hint of a knock for warning, causing Naruto to look up, surprised.

"Iruka-sensei," Naruto said. "What brings you here at this hour?" His strained smile said he already knew.

Iruka looked Naruto straight in the eye. "This has got to stop." He said it in his best stern teacher voice, hoping that'd get the point across.

"What has to stop?" Naruto tried to project innocence, but Iruka hadn't bought that look when Naruto was a pre-genin, he wasn't going to fall for it now. It was a little comforting to know that some things really didn't change. Naruto's _innocent_ look hadn't gotten any more convincing over the years.

"Stop sending every ninja I try to date on last minute missions that conflict with our plans. And stop making me do paperwork every time I manage to get a date with a civilian."

"I have no idea what you are talking about."

"One time I ran into someone on the street and less than five minutes after he suggested we grab a quick drink together, there was an ANBU there, summoning him to your office for a last minute mission to Sand."

"Oh, bad timing."

"He rarely ever ran field missions."

"Must have been something very important then."

" _Naruto_."

"What?"

"Don't _what_ me. You can't order ANBU to go around _genjutsu-ing_ civilians just because you don't want me to get laid."

Iruka realized what he'd just said after it was already out of his mouth. Both he and Naruto blushed and avoided eye contact. He took a deep breath.

"Why are you doing this?"

Naruto grew uncharacteristically quiet. He fiddled with papers on his desk for a few moments before he finally spoke.

"You're here for me whenever I need you. If I want to talk or whatever, you're always here. But if you start seeing someone seriously, you might not be."

Well, damn. It was hard to stay angry in the face of something like that. "Naruto, I will _always_ have time for you. And if some guy I'm dating doesn't understand that, he can fuck off."

It was a beautiful moment. At least until Naruto spoke again.

"Also, you have terrible taste in men."

Iruka twitched. " _Naruto_."

"I mean, come on. _Civilians_ , Iruka-sensei?"

"It's not like you were letting me date any shinobi, now were you?" Iruka intensely hoped that Naruto didn't have any practical knowledge about why exactly civilians were generally a bad idea.

"Seriously, Iruka-sensei, none of those guys were good enough for you."

"Naruto, that's not for you to decide."

"Yes, it is."

"No, it really isn't."

"My job is to protect the village and everyone in it. Therefore I can protect you when needed."

"Are you saying you don't trust the shinobi in this village?"

"Of course not, I just think my position allows me some insight into the lives of people around me."

"That's definitely not in your job description. A hokage can't dictate who dates whom beyond the standard regulations."

Naruto muttered something to the effect of well, if previous hokage had done their job, maybe he wouldn't need to.

"What was that?" Iruka asked.

Naruto shook his head and said, "Fine, you can date-"

"I don't need your permission to-"

"BUT, I will need to approve the guys."

Iruka slapped a hand to his face in despair. He was _never_ going to get laid again at this rate.

Thirty minutes later, after Naruto had set out his ground rules for who Iruka could and could not date, regardless of how much Iruka protested, Iruka left with one thought in mind: He needed a drink. If sex was no longer an option for what would likely be the rest of his life, at least he could still get drunk.

~*~*~

~*~*~

Kakashi would never understand how Gai came up with his challenges some days. "I will hit 100 bullseyes in a row while doing a one-handed handstand" was not something any sane person would think of on their own. And yet here Kakashi was, in this dive bar, handing Gai dart after dart as the bar's owner polished glasses behind the bar with an ever increasing amount of force, clearly realizing he was going to have to purchase a new dartboard by the time the night was over. There was a reason most civilian bars had _no ninjas_ signs up by their dartboards and most shinobi bars didn't even bother with the things. The red circle in the center just didn't hold up for long when faced with ninja aim, even drunk ninja aim.

They were somewhere around bullseye number 47 when the bar's door banged open. Kakashi didn't jump, but he did check to see what had caused the commotion by using a particularly reflective brass plaque on the wall that claimed the bar had been founded three dozen years earlier. He also didn't let himself turn when he realized exactly who was causing the stir.

Iruka stormed into the bar with two of his chuunin friends in tow. He huffed his way over to a table and plopped down into one of the chairs while his friends went straight to the bar and loaded up with multiple rounds of drinks before joining him.

Kakashi watched them out of the corner of his eye as he absentmindedly handed over another dart to Gai. He'd always been fond of watching Iruka, and wouldn't have been opposed to doing more than watch, but it'd just never seemed to be the right time.

"FORTY-NINE," Gai declared. Kakashi handed him another dart. 

There was something of a ritual to what the three friends were doing, a well-worn pattern of commiseration. 

Iruka's back was to Kakashi, but even then it was easy to tell he was in one hell of a mood. The few shinobi seated close to him were almost automatically reaching for scrolls to double check before they submitted them even though this was far from the mission room and it'd been years since Iruka had manned the desk. 

Gai's loud counting couldn't stop Kakashi from overhearing what they were talking about. Iruka wasn't exactly being quiet as he vented.

"The ANBU genjutsu-ed my date. Seriously. _Gen-fucking-jutsu_."

"Whoa," Kotetsu said. "That's..."

"Uncalled for? Unethical? Irresponsible? Annoying? All of the above?"

"All of the above," Izumo said with a nod.

"Definitely," Kotetsu agreed.

"I thought it was bad when he sent poor Mozuku on a five month recon mission in Swamp Country after we made out a little at that holiday party. Or that time he sent that tokujou to that tiny village on the other side of Earth Country just because he'd grabbed my ass. But genjutsu-ing a civilian? What the hell?"

Kakashi cringed. He needed to have a talk with Naruto about proper use of the power that came with his office.

Iruka had been on exactly four dates during Kakashi's term. He'd be lying if he said he hadn't considered how maybe, just maybe, he might be able to send those shinobi out of the village for a few months. He hadn't, but the impulse had been there. But even without his interference, as far as he knew, all of Iruka's dates had been first dates, and nothing more had come of them. Not that he'd been keeping tabs.

And yes, maybe he'd scheduled a few more meetings with Iruka than were strictly necessary, but they were justifiable. The future of Konoha was important. Iruka had been new to Academy administration and Kakashi needed to make sure everything was going smoothly as he transitioned into the job. 

"FIFTY-SIX," Gai announced.

 _The future of Konoha, sure_. Kakashi snorted at how unconvincing that sounded even in his own mind and handed over another dart.

There had definitely been something there during those meetings, Kakashi was sure of it. But the meetings were part of the issue. He couldn't ask Iruka out in that kind of setting while he was hokage. It brushed up too close to abuse of power.

He had always figured that if Iruka was single when Naruto took over, maybe something might come of it. But after Naruto had become hokage, it'd never felt like the right time. Which left Kakashi here, handing Gai yet another dart while Iruka bitched about being cockblocked by his former student.

"He says," Iruka continued in a voice dripping with annoyance, "he won't _let_ me date any active duty shinobi because they are "too risky." He doesn't want me dating retired shinobi unless they are "of an appropriate age" and "financially and mentally sound." I mean, seriously. _Financially sound?_ Who taught him that? Civilians are off limits because, well, _civilians_. Parents of Academy students have always been no goes. Even after graduation it's still awkward. So, _who the fuck_ does that leave?"

Gai held out a hand for another dart. Kakashi ignored him. His feet moved before his brain could even process the action and a moment later he found himself standing by Iruka's table.

"I mean," Iruka said, "shouldn't he be too busy to fuck with my life? He has two young kids. Himawari is barely four. He's the goddamn hokage. How the hell does he have time for this shit?"

Iruka's friends were staring up at Kakashi, but it took Iruka a moment before he noticed.

"Hi," Iruka said, looking a little confused.

"Hi," Kakashi replied. "I, uh, couldn't help but overhear your... problem."

Iruka blinked up at him for a few long seconds. Kakashi could see the moment it all clicked. Kakashi was about as far from a civilian as you got. If there were shinobi that Naruto couldn't order around, a former hokage would be high on that list. He was no longer active duty and he supposed he was appropriately aged. He was more than financially sound. Mentally sound was a little more questionable, but he was no worse off than the average jounin at least.

"Hi," Iruka said again, one corner of his mouth coming up in just the hint of a wicked grin.

"Right," Izumo said, "We have... a thing."

"Yes. That thing," Kotetsu said. "That we have."

"Totally forgot about that thing."

"We should go do that."

"Like, right now."

Neither Kakashi nor Iruka were paying attention to them though, instead holding eye contact and savoring the feeling that yes, this was going to happen. Finally.

"Have fun~!" Kotetsu said with a wink as he and Izumo all but fled from the table. Kakashi barely registered them gathering Gai up on their way out of the bar.

Kakashi slid into one of their empty seats. He wasn't entirely sure Iruka wanted more than sex at this point, but he definitely was willing to find out.

Maybe it was the right time after all.

~*~*~

~*~*~

**EPILOGUE**

Naruto looked up from the pile of paperwork on his desk as an ANBU slipped into his office.

"Hatake Kakashi and Umino Iruka have left a bar together and appear to be heading back to the latter's apartment," the ANBU reported.

" _FINALLY_ ," Naruto said as he collapsed back into his chair.

"Is further confirmation required?" the ANBU asked.

"EW. NO," Naruto said, making a face. "They're like... reading books together. Or something. But not Kakashi's type of books. Iruka books. Academic books. That's it."

Next to him, Shikamaru snorted. " _Or something_."

The ANBU snickered and Naruto dismissed him before he had a chance to start theorizing about the size or existence of either of Naruto's former teachers' dicks.

Naruto turned to Shikamaru, shaking his head. "I can't believe that took so long. I mean, come on. Just the number of "meetings" they had when Kakashi was hokage. What was that even? Why on earth would the hokage need to meet with the Academy vice principal _four times a week_? Ugh. And people call _me_ an idiot."

Shikamaru just shook his head.

Naruto leaned forward in his chair and grinned. "So, who do we set up next?"

Shikamaru groaned. When some people got power, it was just entirely too troublesome.

~*~*~

**Author's Note:**

> This was a lot of fun to write. I hope you enjoyed it. Comments and kudos are always appreciated if you did. ♥


End file.
